Teve um dia que roubei uma muda de flor num jardim. Teve uma vez que tirei uma samambaia entre-pedras. No primeiro caso achei que lá na minha varanda ela floresceria, no segundo, eu me senti uma heroína salvando a pobre planta da agrura. A realidade: a flor nunca floresceu e a samambaia morreu. Eu, frustrada, sobrevivi, e, ainda vingo, contrariando as expectativas. 

O que escrevo hoje não é uma reflexão sobre plantas, definitivamente. Ou é,  não sei se importa. Tudo é vida. Eu só mencionei dois dos meus dissabores botânicos para que possamos estabelecer parâmetros de vida, morte e sobrevivência. 

Você tá vivo? Tá morto? Sobrevivendo? Há profundas diferenças entre as três descrições.

Já estive viva, pungente. E faz tempo. Um dia vi minha filha sair chorosa de um inexistente buraco meu, sem anestesia . Ela, viva. Eu, viva. Naquele dia meu mundo implodiu em amor e resiliência. Excelente dia aquele, lembro. 

Outra vez, meu coração parou de bater n’outro peito, morri ali. Até hoje não tenho certeza da minha exata existência. Eu nunca chorei meu-eu defunto-outro, vou só indo e respirando. Fingindo não sentir falta da falta que a falta faz. 

Semana ada eu não estava pronta para enfrentar meus fantasmas, tão menos lidar com monstros que não são meus, mas a mim foram entregues ainda bebês. Quem abandona um bebê, mesmo que um seja monstro? Amedrontada, sobrevivi. 

Hoje pela manhã, penteei os cabelos cacheados e finos de minha cria, deslizei o pente da raiz às pontas, senti a estrutura da estrutura dela ar entre meus dedos finos e longos, senti sua vida pulsante. Fiz-lhe um penteado, adornei-me de vida. Sua trança ia ao ombro, minha esperança ia três gerações à frente e cinco atrás. 

Viver é isso: chorar no chuveiro, sorrir para estranhos, fugir dos assombros, enfrentar o dia a dia — esperando o fim. Acontece que o mundo não acaba. Não hoje, nem amanhã. Penso que o mundo já acabou. Talvez o mundo inexiste bem antes do nosso nascimento. Talvez ele nunca existiu. Já pensou?

Isso que você carrega sobre as costas parece vida? O cenário sobre o qual você transita parece mundo? Diga-me, em sinceridade, o que está posto era o que você esperava quando tinha cinco anos? Numa balança existencial, você carrega mais alegrias ou tristezas?

Quem sabe, você, como eu, tenha ado horas deitado na cama, encarando o teto, a procurar um sinal. Sinal qualquer, algo besta. Uma fagulha divina que te diga que isso aqui não é um grande equívoco e você só foi o jogador certo convocado na hora errada. 

Quem sabe, você, como eu, teve uma semana de infinitas tentativas. Sendo assim, palavras como produtividade e êxito perderam o significado.

Enfim, você tentou. Mas, tentou o quê? Com que motivação? Com qual possibilidade? Seria possível algo bom nascer dessa bagunça na qual você está"> 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