Valeska Zanello: "Na nossa cultura, os homens aprendem a amar muitas coisas e as mulheres aprendem a amar os homens"

Você provavelmente tem uma amiga, uma familiar ou uma conhecida que não parece estar num relacionamento saudável, mas anos vão ando e a relação se arrasta, sem ter um fim. Fica a dúvida: por que é tão difícil para algumas mulheres saírem de relações que não estão lhes trazendo felicidade ou que se tornaram abusivas? Para refletir sobre o tema, Donna convidou a pós-doutora em psicologia clínica Valeska Zanello, que é professora da Universidade de Brasília (UnB) e coordenadora o grupo do CNPQ de pesquisa sobre saúde mental e gênero.  

Em março deste ano, seu nome ganhou destaque nas redes sociais após Valeska acusar o estudante de psicologia e influenciador digital João Luiz Marques de plagiar o seu trabalho, acusação que foi itida por ele na ocasião. Algumas das frases que foram utilizadas sem o devido crédito em posts nas redes sociais fazem parte do livro que Valeska publicou em 2018, "Saúde Mental, Gênero e Dispositivos", fruto de 20 anos de experiência clínica e 13 anos de pesquisas em saúde mental, sob a perspectiva de gênero. Entre outros temas, o livro aborda o funcionamento das relações afetivas e lança luz sobre o porquê das mulheres tenderem a sofrer mais na esfera do amor do que os homens. 

Dependência emocional é mais comum para mulheres do que para homens?  

É importante refletirmos sobre o conceito de "dependência emocional", do qual eu não gosto, pois parece que retira os fatores que participam na consolidação desse fenômeno (como as questões de gênero e raciais), fazendo parecer que é uma coisa humana e universal. O fenômeno é mais comum entre as mulheres pois, na nossa cultura, as mulheres se subjetivam naquilo que eu chamo de "dispositivo amoroso", que quer dizer o seguinte: a gente se subjetiva numa relação com a gente mesma mediada pelo olhar de um homem que nos valide e que nos escolha.   

As mulheres se subjetivam numa espécie de "prateleira do amor", que é mediada por um ideal estético que é branco, louro, magro e jovem. Quanto mais distante desse ideal, pior o lugar da mulher na prateleira. Logo, quem ocupa o pior lugar são as mulheres negras — principalmente, pois a prateleira é racista — mas também mulheres gordas, mulheres velhas, mulheres indígenas. Essas geralmente sofrem preterimento afetivo de homens e são vistas somente pela ótica da objetificação sexual. Isso às vulnerabiliza ainda mais, pois, afinal, aprendemos que a “chancela de sucesso” da nossa mulheridade é ser escolhida na prateleira e manter-se escolhida por esse homem. Então, se a mulher está num lugar muito ruim da prateleira, é como se esse homem fosse um grande salvador. 

Muitas mulheres se veem em relações em que ocorrem abusos, mas não conseguem sair delas. No teu entender, porque isso ocorre? 

Em geral, para as mulheres, perder um homem não é simplesmente perder uma relação, é colocar em xeque o seu valor como mulher, o que afeta a sua autoestima. Muitas vezes as mulheres sofrem mesmo com a perda de um “perebado”, e isso tem a ver com essa terceirização da autoestima. Os homens lucram com o dispositivo amoroso pois as mulheres se apaixonam não pelo homem, mas pelo fato de ser escolhida. Então, nesse sentido no Brasil, é muito difícil um homem ficar sozinho, seja o “perebado” que for em qualquer esfera — seja de caráter, de físico. Na nossa cultura, os homens aprendem a amar muitas coisas e as mulheres aprendem a amar os homens, de forma que as relações heterossexuais são profundamente assimétricas: a gente dá 100 e recebe 10.  

Quando você pergunta sobre a dificuldade das mulheres de saírem das relações abusivas, a resposta tem a ver com o dispositivo amoroso. Um exemplo são algumas canções sertanejas, onde há a ideia de que uma mulher, com muito esforço e dedicação quase exclusiva, vai conseguir transformar aquele homem num príncipe encantado. É importante dizer que, na clínica, a gente vê isso: mesmo quando as mulheres saem de relações abusivas, elas ainda se sentem mal. Vem o alívio, mas para muitas também vem a sensação de fracasso, porque o término de uma relação amorosa coloca em xeque o valor de mulheridade dessa mulher, o que não ocorre para o homem. E é muito mais comum que um homem, logo após o término, se coloque numa nova relação, porque é muito fácil se aproveitar do dispositivo amoroso das mulheres. 

No teu livro, tu defendes que homens lucram também com o “dispositivo materno” das mulheres. Podes explicar o que é isso?  

A gente aprende a sempre priorizar os desejos e necessidades dos outros em detrimento dos nossos. Os homens não. O processo de tornar-se homem é marcado pelo egocentramento, então é "eu em primeiro lugar, eu em segundo lugar e, em décimo lugar, os outros". E eles lucram com o dispositivo materno porque, em geral, enquanto os homens cuidam da vida deles, as mulheres cuidam deles, por eles e para eles.    

E como começar a jogar luz sobre essas questões"> 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